Dr Felicity's coaching blog

Note the positive

2010-01-03T03:15:00.000-08:00

The papers are full of all the usual new year's stuff today and much of it isn't helpful in my opinion because it asks us to focus on weaknesses or where we have gone wrong in 2009.

I find that clients who list their weaknesses or their problems paying little attention to any of their strengths find it harder to make significant changes than those who may feel dissatisfied with their life but can identify some positives.

I have just read one article which reminded me of the value of making a note of the positives , every day. The idea is that every night before going to sleep we pick out two or three happenings of the day about which we feel positive. Two or three things we have done or experienced which brought positive energy into our life. And then we go to sleep surrounded with positive energy.

sleep well tonight

keep your dreams alive

2009-12-30T08:50:00.000-08:00

I have one or two clients at the moment who have lived through really hard times this year. Financial problems, relationship breakdown ...... really its not been a good year.

They both remain optimistic in very different ways because they both have dreams. One is and has been clear about how they want their life to be, ever since they first came into coaching, and despite all the setbacks they have kept their dreams alive.

The other lost sight of any dreams for a while but kept in touch with me with messages that soon they'd be coming back to coaching to kick start the next chapter of their life. Their dream for now is just to live quietly and at peace so that they can rediscover their passion, their ambition, their awareness that they can have the life they'd really like. They know that possibly not today or even this week but one step at a time; if we keep our dream alive, we are on our way.

Are you heading in the right direction ?

2009-12-29T00:58:00.001-08:00

Another way of thinking about making a fresh start in the new year is to imagine an ulitimate goal but for the time being plan to just head in that direction. This might work when your energy is low and you feel that setting up a big goal and detailed action plan is just too much; its so daunting you don't even get started.

But if you can keep yourself heading in the right direction, making tiny changes or taking action in new ways but in tiny steps you will build up momentum. Then when your energy levels are higher and you have reconected with some self belief it may feel like the right time to take a bigger step or challenge yourself to reach a bigger goal.

You can set off on a long journey by motorway with a map marked to show the places you'll stop for coffee or petrol, or an overnight rest ..... or you can set off along the smaller roads, checking that you're heading in the right direction when you stop for a break or a walk or to take a photograph. The first way is probably the quickest and most economical but if you hate driving on motorways it will also be the most stressfull !

So ask yourself today, am I heading in the right direction? If the answer is yes, that's great, if not, can you make that turn towards the direction you want to travel right now ?

Its that time of the year again;what are you going to take up ?

2009-12-26T11:54:00.000-08:00

Yes, its that time of the year again when coaches get phone calls from local newspapers and radio stations asking for helpful hints about new year's resolutions.

First let me say you can make a fresh start in any area of your life at any time. If you have a resolution in mind ..... why not start right now ? No really .... why not start right now ?

Secondly, giving things up can seem negative and backward looking so to make a fresh start think positive and think future. To give up chocolate ( hard to imagine I know) sounds horrible but to take up eating just one piece of lovely well chosen chocolate per day sounds attractive and possible.

For now that's the helpful hint ... think positive.

What are you going to take up in 2010?

get outside into the light

2009-11-07T06:55:00.000-08:00

Two current clients reported that they suddenly started feeling tired and a bit listless in the last couple of weeks. As I asked them to consider this it became clear that they spent almost all their time indoors, or in a car or bus. During the summer months its easier to get outside in the evenings and weekends and so we draw in energy from the light in a natural way. We don't have to think about it; we just know its good to be outside as often as we can.

But once the clocks go back, especially here in the north of England there is suddenly less light in our ordinary day. I'm out early with my dog and this year am still walking from 6.00am because then I see the sun come up and that makes my day longer. One client chose not to get up that early (I won't tell you what they said when I asked if that might be possible) but instead aims to walk to a sandwich shop whenever possible, to buy their lunch and walk back. The other is doing the "get off the bus a stop early" routine often suggested as part of an overall fitness campaign.

Both feel a bit better and this might be because they are moving about more and being out in the light must be helping too.

So if you're feeling tired and listless ...... get outside into the light for twenty minutes at least once a day. I'm sure you will notice an improvement in your mood before too long from this small but powerful change.

A poem I received by email

2009-10-20T07:11:00.000-07:00

Slow
Dance

This
is a poem
written by a teenager with cancer.

SLOW DANCE

Have you ever
watched
kids

On a merry-go-round?

Or listened to
the
rain

Slapping on the ground?

Ever followed a

butterfly's erratic flight?

Or gazed at the sun into the
fading
night?

You better slow down.

Don't
dance so
fast.

Time is short.

The music
won't
last.

Do you run through each day

On
the
fly?

When you ask How are you?

Do you hear
the
reply?

When the day is done

Do you lie
in your
bed

With the next hundred chores

Running through
your head?

You'd better
slow down

Don't dance so
fast.

Time is
short.

The music won't
last.

Ever told your
child,

We'll do it
tomorrow?

And in your
haste,

Not see
his

sorrow?

Ever lost
touch,

Let a good
friendship die

Cause you
never had time

To call
and say,'Hi'

You'd
better slow down.

Don't dance
so fast.

Time
is short.

The music won't
last.

When you run
so fast to get somewhere

You
miss half the fun of getting
there.

When you worry and hurry
through your
day,

It is like an unopened
gift....

Thrown
away.

Life is not a
race.

Do take it
slower

Hear the
music

Before the song is
over.

---------- --
--------

Dr. Dennis Shields, Professor
Department of Developmental and Molecular Biology
1300 Morris Park Avenue Bronx , New York

asking the right questions

2009-10-03T10:37:00.000-07:00

This is a much greater challenge than many of us realise . Asking questions is quite difficult for some people but asking the right questions at the right time in the right way is a challenge we all face.

Sometimes we ask in a tone of voice which confuses our listeners, sometimes we only realise the question we could have asked hours after the event and I'm sure many of us have asked the right question at the wrong time.

Its a skill to practice and when training to be a coach I had to practice asking clients questions in many different ways, directly and indirectly, questions to speed up thinking, questions to encourage reflection, questions which can be answered easliy and questions which can't be answered at all.

Think about the questiosn you ask yourself this week, if you asked them in a different way .... would you get a different answer ?

celebrate first and then re focus

2009-09-26T11:38:00.000-07:00

I have been reminded this week that its very easy to miss out on the celebrating of small achievements because of the urge to rush on to the next challenge.

In a meeting where a group of business people were reviewing data about how many clients had accessed which services it was clear to me that the numbers were very good. In each area more people had accessed a service than in 2008 but somehow the discussion was not about how well everyone had done in 2009 but more about how to build on these numbers in 2010.

Of course we need to re focus on the next challenge but to do that almost without a breath is a pity. If we just take a few minutes to enjoy reaching the first target, to fel the achievement ourselves .... wouldn't that be better for our health and happiness. And I think it would also make us work harder as we head into the next challenge

Learning from the gas fitter

2009-09-22T02:18:00.000-07:00

Last week I had a new boiler fitted in my house and during the somewhat traumatic experience I was reminded of some useful learning experiences.

The people who came to fit the boiler, a gas fitter, a plumber and an electrician clearly fitted such boilers more or less every day. They kept telling me everything was very straightforward and there wasn't anything to worry about. Even when they made a hole in my kitchen ceiling, that wasn't to worry about and the leak ? No nothing to worry about either.

The lesson here of course is that telling people something is easy .... when to them it looks difficult is completely pointless. More than that, it can make a difficult situation much worse. I was furious that I had a hole in my ceiling and would have liked an acknowledgement that this was a problem which needed solving ..... not something to sweep under the carpet.

And so it is for coaching. If a client thinks something will be difficult they need to know they can break it down into do ables, they can take their time and that I'm here to support them at each step on their journey.

The second lesson was about asking the right questions. I've been given a very clever thermostat timer gadget which is now working well. However its taken a week because I wasn't asking the right questions. The electircian did answer all the questions I asked but as I wasn't framing them well the information wasn't helpful.

And likewise in coaching. A great coach will frame questions so as to pinpoint exactly what it is that will help the client move forward. some questions will be big open ended requests for free thinking, some will be smaller with a clear focus to provide a hand hold on the climb.

so now my centrsl heating is working efficiently and I learnt a lot from the gas fitter.

specify happiness

2009-09-08T00:49:00.000-07:00

I was at an event yesterday where a group of people were establishing goals for themselves at work. Some big targets had already been set by their organisation so this was considering how to operate within those.

I proposed that we specified "more happiness, more often, at work" and was taken aback when this was received with nervous giggles .... not from everyone of course but some people in the room were obviously a bit unconfortable with the idea.

Nevertheless discussion followed and before too long suggestions were made about how some things might be changed to create more happiness.

We could have addressed the same issues by considering what annoys us at work or what causes stress but I think that would have led to us thinking about the negatives and possibly getting stuck in in a group moan.

As it was the focus was on positive change; on accepting that things in our working lives don't always bring happiness but more happiness is usually within reach. ..... and an example of such a change ?

Ensuring that the right people are doing the right things at the right time .......

Avoid either or thinking

2009-09-01T00:13:00.000-07:00

Another problem in the same areas as big goals or little goals is facing too many options or too much choice.

Sometimes when people start coaching with me at the next level they feel as if their way forward is completely blocked. Once they've created some small changes and begun to feel more of their own personal power, the challenge changes as they realise that there are many possible ways forward. Too much choice can be as difficult to manage as feeling there's no choce at all.

One of the problems with too much choice is feeling that if you choose A, B may turn out to be the best option after all. Sometimes this is a realistic awareness and sometimes its not. I think it helps to avoid "either - or" thinking; as in, " well I can either do this or I can do that."

Often we can feel better if we think, "I'd like to do this first but I could the do that second and that third." Or even, " I can do this and I can do that as well."

Its changing the way we think that can change the way we view the options available to us and that's a good start to any life changing journey.

big things or little things

2009-08-23T11:32:00.000-07:00

When there's too much to do where do you start ? Do you do as many of the little things you have on your list to clear the decks for the bigger challenges ? Or do you get on with the big challenge and then fit the little tasks in when you can?

I don't think there's one answer to this, some people prefer to start small and some don't. If I'm feeling really motivated then I'll probably get on with the most difficult challenge first especially if I think I have enough time to finsh it or a clearly defined part of it in the time available. If I'm a bit tired or not motivated I'll aim to do one small task and then another one and so on, feeling that success breeds success. Adding in treats helps and of course that's where this blog started, we've come back to treats. Many things can be a treat and not all treats are chocolate cake.

Perhaps the blog should be renamed the not all treats are chocolate cake. (And if that doesn't mean anything to you please go back to blog post one)

So what do you do, start big and tidy up alter or start small and get a run at the bigger challenge ?

its your life

2009-08-16T00:34:00.000-07:00

A basic starting point for coaching is that our lives are our own. We may have a strong spiritual connection, people whose needs are important to us and difficulties as regards health or finance for example but from start to finish ...... its your life.

And because we are the navigators of our own journey there is always something we can do to improve our own life. Always.

In magazines we sometimes read about people making huge changes to their lives, selling up and moving to another country, giving up work without another job to go to, breaking out of a cycle of drug use and so on and sometimes those amazing stories can be demotivating.

How can I make such huge dramatic changes ? That's a question I've heard many times. The answer is .... you don't have to. Make a small change and feel the satisfaction that will bring. Make another small change and feel the satisfaction that will bring ...... and when you are really in touch with your own power, really living your own life why then many things will appear more possible.

energy vampires again

2009-08-11T11:21:00.000-07:00

Is another aspect of everyday life which encourages energy vampires text messages with no real purpose.

A recent client was feeling rather lonely although she said she had numerous friends. I asked her to describe her life as it might be when she had reorganised things so as not to be lonely. This describing the perfect life is a basic technique in coaching. It can be very hard to imagine how you would like your life to be but the more detailed the picture or plan the easier it is to orgainse the journey.

So in my client's lovely world she would make and receive numerous telephone calls so as to chat to her friends often. When she had lived like this previously she had felt energised and part of things even when she was sitting at home relaxing. So what changed ?

In recent months she has made very few phone calls and received fewer too because people send more and more texts. She doesn't find texts energising and in fact often felt drained by texts with no real message.

Texts are great for fixing times or explaining a delay but are they the same as a chat ..... not for this client. She realised that she preferred chatting and missed the short calls she used to make and receive.

Her session ended with the agreed action of making more phone calls and asking two or three friends to call not phone.

and I wait to hear if she feels less lonely after a month of phone calls

Is it work/life balance or life/work balance ?

2009-08-05T10:52:00.000-07:00

Personally I think its life/work balance. However much we enjoy our work and I do usually enjoy mine, it is only part of life. If we always put our work first I think we might be missing out.

I have coached many people as they approach retirement. Some look forward to it realistically, knowing it will bring some joy and some sadness as they change their position in the world. Some feel it will be joy and only joy and some face the prospect of life without work with trepidation because they have put their work first for many years.

One useful idea is to rehearse retirement several times during holiday periods. Staying at home and experimenting with a retired person's lifestyle.Tthis can bring to mind questions about how to structure time; days, weeks, a year for example in ways which bring more joy into your life.

I haven't been coachingfor the last week, I've been rehearsing for a distant retirement. It took me a few days to stop checking my diary or over planning my time and then it was great. One result is that I've returned to work with a more relaxed attitude and have a question about retirement to consider for the future.

It has to be life/work balance really, don't you think ?

break out

2009-08-01T02:12:00.000-07:00

and sometimes amid all this life planning and goal setting you just have to stop for a minute.

Sir Bobby Robson died yesterday having lived with five different cancers. He is spoken of as a kind, honest man, who followed his passion until his death. His passion took him out of his comfort zone from the age of 17 and I think he makes a great role model.

When asked about his secret he said he just took opportunities when they came along and always remembered that people are what makes up our worlds.

So today's blog is a thank you you Sir Bobby. Let us all take oportunities when they come up and remember the people in our worlds with love.

the first coaching session

2009-07-26T06:21:00.000-07:00

I've mentioned the first coaching session a couple of times recently but only in passing. If you really are feeling stuck contacting a coach might seem like a wise first step but if worries about the first session are putting you off ......

Most coaches offer a first session which is free and without any committment on either side. There will be some sharing of basic information ; contact details and how you found out about the coach for example and an opportunity for you to ask how the coach qualified and how long they've been coaching.

Then there will be some time for you to explain what you plan to gain from coaching ( your goal) so the coach can check you are talking to the right sort of coach and you can check the coach seems to ask you questions which focus your attention of the issue you have in your mind. The coach should explain any reasons they might have to decline coaching and how that might work and there'll be some discussion of costs.

Most coaches have a structure for all sessions although you may not be aware of that as its a framework not a script but however they work the focus should be on you and your issue. Before the end of the session you should have been guided towards an agreed action of your own choice; something you can do after the session which will move you one step towards your goal.

If the session felt supportive and challenging you may decide to request a series of sessions or you may not. Its up to you to decide if coaching is for you with this coach at this time and up to the coach to decide if they think they will be able to help you help yourself.

sleep, enough sleep, too much sleep

2009-07-25T07:12:00.000-07:00

In response to your emails about sleep being an energy vampire ..... yes I agree and in an early coaching session at the next level ( see www.coachingatthenextlevel.biz for more details) I like to ask about sleep.

People who sleep well for about eight hours in every twenty four seem to feel happier, make fewer trips to their GP and live longer. The trouble with generally accepted truths lke that is we don't know which is cause and which is effect; perhaps feeling happy means we sleep better ? Or people in generally good health who don't feel the need to visit their GP often sleep better and so on.

But in general sleeping well is going to help a person restart their own life. So if a client feels stuck and unable to work out what to do first, I suggest they establish a regular pattern of sleep which seems right for them. I like to get up early and to do that I need to stop working, watching TV, talking about stimulating topics and so on by about 9.30pm. Then I have time to slow my brain down, often by reading something which requires little thought or writing in my journal before switching off the bedside light at about 11pm. I know that for some people that's more or less mid evening and if you can go to bed later and get up later that's fine. This is one time when a routine is helpful, going to bed and getting up at more or less the same time everyday seems to encourage easy sleep.

And what about naps ? As the queen of the mid day nap I can recommend a short "time out" in the middle of the day. Twenty to thirty minutes of doing nothing, nothing at all, after lunch gives me a real energy transfusion and doesn't disturb my sleep.

And then there's enough exercise and time outside to add to the equation ...... it can become a complex matter but it needn't be. Sleeping well is natural, babies do it, animals do it and by living as natural a life as possible we should be able to do it as well.

naming and shaming

2009-07-22T05:17:00.000-07:00

Naming and shaming your energy vampires that is .......

Some of us like routine and some of us don't. Some of us allow routine to take over life so that what was once helpful becomes an energy vampire; a collection of shoulds and musts and always a critical parent in our imagination keeping us on schedule.

Yesterday I spoke to someone who now has their own successful business. After years in a well structured organisation where routines were accepted and custom and practice ensured everything ran smoothly he now manages his own time, working mostly from home.

He was saying that he finds a strict routine helpful until something makes it impossible to complete 100% and then he feels anxious because he doesn't know when to do what or what to do when. That anxiety is an energy vampire and he does often feel exhausted. In conversation we wondered what would happen if he let his strict routines go; if he woke up when he was ready, went for a run when he felt like it, made his marketing calls when he felt ready and so on ......... his face as he considered this was marvellous and I could see his personal energy returning.

He's off to try this out and we'll hear more about this in a later blog.

So naming and shaming energy vampire one; too much routine or an out of date routine. Try going with the flow for a few days and see what happens. Or if that seems to much, try a routine for just part of your day and allow sponteneity to rule for the rest of the day.

energy vampires

2009-07-21T06:28:00.000-07:00

I overheard someone using this phrase this morning and I love it.

One of the most difficult issues to coach around is feeling exhausted or burnt out because when we feel exhausted we do not want to do anything except lie around hoping life will soon improve.

Havigng a medical check up might thus be the first step towards a better life as might sorting out your diet and sleep patterns. Assuming that's all about right seeking out your energy vampires and getting rid of them might be your next step.

What sort of situations make you feel tired ? Are their particular places or tasks or people which seem to drain your energy ?

I find negativity of anykind acts like a vampire, people who see the worst in everything in particular drain my energy and I need to balance time with people like that with people who see joyful possibilities everywhere. Many of those people are children I have to say who experience joy in puddles and picnics, smiles in waking up and walking home. Animals seem to draw joy to them and everyone we meet smiles when my dog bounces over to say hello. Its adults who seem to allow their own energy vampires to take over.

So perhaps before we can really get going on some active life planning we need to check out our own energy vampires and remove them from our everyday lives.

I've tried that before

2009-07-17T08:03:00.000-07:00

Earlier this week I found myself at a business lunch chatting with someone who wanted to know if I'd help her with some career planning. I asked her what sort of life she'd like to be leading in five years' time and she seemed rather perplexed. "I've tried that before" she said.

I wasn't quite sure what she meant; did she have a plan but felt stalled, had she tried to define a goal on her own but found it too much of a challenge or was she hoping I could help her with some career planning as if it were her whole life and not just part of her life.

Many people who come into coaching have achieved much in their lives. They have named goals, created some sort of plan and then set off on a journey to achieve their goals. In that sense we have all "tried that before".

But with a different context, in a different time, with a different coach perhaps, if you want to change your life in any way, you have to first decide to do it and then you need an idea of the life you'd really like. Only when you have that idea, named, discussed or written or drawn in a journal can you begin to plan steps of the right size to move you into the life you'd prefer.

An hour later I happened to see the same person busily making notes and when I asked her what they were she said "I've just had some new ideas about what I might want to do next" !

do what can be done

2009-07-14T00:21:00.000-07:00

Another problem which I sometimes hear about in my coaching sessions, often with the most successful people is aiming to restart life after a setback with a HUGE goal.

Recently I coached someone who had been ill, began to feel well enough to return to full time work and then decided to start a new hobby and write a book at the same time and fast. Her reasoning was that she'd lost time when ill and needed to catch up quickly now. I wasn't sure with whom she was trying to catch up but I was pretty sure that after a period of being really stuck, its best to start by doing what can be done. Nothing too difficult, nothing too big. The key is to find a way forward by doing what can be done and then finding something else that can be done and doing it and so on.

You might have a HUGE goal as your guiding star but you need to regain confidence, energy and strength by planning to do what can be done in such a way that you follow your guiding star at a speed which enables you to succeed.

The person who comes to mind here is the soldier who, having been seriously injured, recently completed the London Marathon one day at a time over two weeks. He said he thought only about the distance he'd be doing one day at a time so he could enjoy his achievement every night when he could rest his weary body, knowing that he'd reached his goal for that day.

His focus was on what he could do one day at a time and he celebrated doing just that ( not sure if he too had chocolate cake) and he did reach his big goal as well.

What a role model for us all.

and sometimes its all too much

2009-07-12T07:33:00.000-07:00

This morning I've been coaching someone who finshed her PhD a few weeks ago and hasn't yet found a job. She was very upset at the start of our conversation and found answering my questions really hard because she wanted a job now and if I couldn't get her a job what was the point of talking.

Sometimes feeling stuck, feeling stalled is just too much and you need to take a break. A week off even a day off, simple food, fresh air, time with friends and plenty of sleep can make a huge difference because when we are exhausted everything is too much.

So if you feel its all too much, take a break, find a treat ( back to chocolate cake again) talk to someone about how you feel but mostly be kind to yourself for a day or two.

If it feels too much ......... it is ..... today . Tomorrow could be different.

and one more

2009-07-09T02:36:00.000-07:00

So if you have taken one small step and it is becoming a new habit, well done (say that to yourself in whatever way works for you).If you've been getting off the bus one stop away from your office and walking a bit further than usual, well done. If you made time to phone someone for a chat and then phoned someone esle for another chat another day,well done. If you tidied up one part of your desk at the end of each day, well done. These small changes quickly become habits and then you can select another small step which will take you just a bit closer to the life you'd really like.

Some people are very ambitious and find small steps frustrating so the size of the change you want to make is negotiable. But if your life had stalled and you were very stuck, beware of choosing something which really is too difficult at this time. You don't want to set out to do something unless you can do it until you've reconnected with your self confidence.

Be creative about the stpes you choose, be creative and suit yourself. What works for me might not work for you so although clients often ask me what they should do, as a coach my answers will usually be questions. Questions to help the person make their own choices in their own time so they are living their own life

take just one step

2009-07-05T23:40:00.001-07:00

So what's the basis of restart coaching then ? That's often the first question people ask when I talk about "feeling stalled" or "derailed plans". I find some people get used to feeling stalled or trapped very quickly and assume, "that's it ... this is my life and there's no point in trying to change anything."

I disagree

There is a small but powerful question which can help ....... "If you could do one thing to move yourself forward just one step towards your imagined better life, what would that be ?" That's it ..... that's the magic question.

If you can find one small action which you believe would move you forward and you do it, then you have started your new life. If might be phoning your bank to make an appointment to discuss chaotic finances, it might be walking home from work , it might be having a piece of fruit before breakfast or starting a journal, anything which helps you feel a sense of a new beginning will work. Do it once and then either do it again or plan the next small step.

As soon as you've taken that action and praised yourself for starting you have changed your world for the better.

Coaching can take you on from that point but the first step is your own.Tto anyone feeling stalled or trapped today, make one tiny change and let me know what happens.

Restart coaching

2009-07-05T07:02:00.000-07:00

One of the aspects of coaching I always used to enjoy was restart coaching. This is when someone had faced something which completely derailed their plans or halted their dream and everything seemed to stop.

Coaching seemed to be an excellent way to enable the person move from a standing start into do able action to promote their own recovery as quickly as possible.

This blog is an example.

In the last year all my plans had to change as someone in my family became seriously ill. At first we were all working to see her recover but in the autumn we had to accept that wasn't going to happen. So from a situation of living according to a list of my own priorities, only living more slowly I had to put many things on hold and live a very different life for a while; just getting by really as my Mother's priorities became family priorities.

It would have been easy to remain stalled after her death earlier this year; to have given up coaching and other satisfying activities to settle for just getting by because "just getting by" can become a habit.

Fortunately coaching also becomes a habit and it wasn't long before I wanted to get back in touch with my own passion to have the best life possible and turned to self coaching for help. Several weeks down the line and I'm once again coaching, with great pleasure, and adding more to my everyday life each day, even more aware of how important it is to live each day to the full.

Once again I have reminded myself of the power of coaching; the questions, the techniques the whole mindset. Once we know how to "think coaching " we have a rich supportive resource for when we feel derailed.

I've used restart coaching for myself and here I am !

I'll do it tomorrow

2008-08-10T06:26:00.001-07:00

I hear this a lot when I'm coaching. Towards the end of a coaching call ( for more on this see www.coachingatthenextlevel.biz) I move the client towards some agreed actions.

when we've agreed what the client would like to do a common answer to the next question, "When will you do that ?" is "I'll do it tomorrow! " This is the same if the person is planning to do five or six different things or something which will require planning or something which requires a business to be open and tomorrow is Sunday ...... you get the idea.

We all do it. We can see what we want to do and we trust oursleves to "do it tomorrow". But of course there is always another tomorrow and many of us have too many things to do tomorrow and thus we develop the habit of procrastination which is a very tiring and demotivating habit.

So next time you find yourself thinking "I'll do it tomorrow." Check your diary; is tomorrow a good day for this task, if not choose a better day. Write the task into your diary making sure you give yourself enough time to do it and then treat it as an appointment with someone you think of as really important ... becuae of course you are the most important person in your own life.

Get real

2008-07-24T02:05:00.000-07:00

Get real; I hear this used as a way of putting someone's ideas down, as if being real means thinking little, beige, thoughts within a small comfort zone.

I think being realistic means understanding that anything is possible. It may not be possible today or even tomorrow but if you can catch a dream and build it into a well formed goal, why then I know from my coaching experience you can move towards it one step at a time.

Many people come to coaching ( www.coachingatthenextlevel.biz) having lost confidence in their own ability to manage life. For these people small successes are essential to rebuild that "I can do it" feeling small children often have. We learn so much as children and the world is so big and exciting, if we reconnect with that experience and confidence then we really can "Get real" and create the life we'd really like.

How realistic is your thinking today ?

Getting the structure right

2008-06-21T06:45:00.000-07:00

Getting the structure right for one's own life is essential. I sometimes coach people who begin transforming in their lives by deciding what time they'd like to get up and what time they'd like to go to bed each day.

This doesn't mean having a completely rigid schedule but it does mean knowing how you feel if you get up at mid day or if you're awake most of the night. If that works for you then that's fine but some people find being awake at 3am very lonely and find that if they retrain their sleeping patterns their life looks quite different quite quickly.

I get up early every morning so I can take my dog out for a walk in woods or along the banks of the Wear in Durham. Its not always a great start if its dark or wet but I prefer the idea that I'm getting up to go for a walk then getting up to go to work. And of course whatever the weather, walking gives me the chance to establish a positive start for the day especially when my dog is so full of joy when he's free to run about. Joy is infectious after all!

Choose just one question to answer or problem to solve

2008-06-10T07:39:00.000-07:00

Coaching is full of suprises.

Here at the next level (www.coachingatthenextlevel.biz) I specialise in coaching people who feel stuck, people who feel there's so much to do or so many problems to solve that they can't do anything to improve their lives. They live in a over full, dusty, stressed, uncomfortable comfort zone.

Many of us do have very complex lives and sometimes I think we'd all benefit from simplifying our homes, our diaries and our relationships. That isn't always the best place to start however because it can sound like an instruction to throw things away or to give things up and when a person feels disempowered and demotivated asking them to give up or throw away parts of their world really just doesn't help.

What does help is to choose one question to answer or one problem to solve. From all the possible irritations and blocks, choose one and make a change there.

Time and time again I have been delighted and surprised to see the impact of making one change. Why ? Because when we make one change everything changes. It may only be a tiny change but it is movement from the comfort zone which is anything but comfortable.

So if you feel stuck today, choose one question to answer or problem to solve and see how that feels.

coaching in groups

2008-05-29T07:48:00.000-07:00

Recently I've been having fun coaching groups.

These small groups are people who work together and want to understand more about a topic but don't want a typical workshop with input and handouts and the like. They believe, and I agree, that in most cases if you get the right people together and ask the right questions someone will come up with an answer they've never considered before and it will help someone else in the group.

So I use the same model for these workshops as I do for indivual coaching sessions; first we agree on the issue and exactly what we want to know more about. I try to formulate this into a question to ask or a problem to solve.

The next stage is for everyone to consider what they have tried in terms of this question/ problem and what seems to be inhibiting their progress. I don't ask why they haven't tried these things before as that can make people feel defensive but i do ask what needs to be moved out of the way to allow for change.

Then we begin to use various exercises and techniques to create new solutions or answers, some huge , some tiny, some completely unreasonable and some very useful. The coaching here is to help people free up their ideas and not hold back "just in case its not a good idea" All ideas are good here.

and then comes the tough part. From all of the suggestions, which ones seem most helpful and from that short list which ones will the group go away to put into practice. The coaching jargon is "agreed actions" but sometimes i call this the "so what" stage.

For me this is a very exciting part of these workshops as people choose to put ideas into practice and elave inspired to make changes. Its what coaching is all about really and I love it.

Do we al lhave too much ?

2008-05-10T11:39:00.000-07:00

Many of my coaching clients have too much something .....too much work ..... too much to do ..... too much stuff ..... and yet find it hard to let any of this go.

Today I'm having a look round my life to see where there is too much of anything with a view to reducing what ever it is so I have just about enough and no more.

I don't think we need too much food in the cupboard or too many DVD's on the shelf. We don't need to spend too much time looking for new exciting things to buy on the internet or to acculmulate too much in our homes and we definietly don't need too uch in our diaries. In fact I suspect many of us would be happier if we had less ... less to worry about, less to do, less to dust !

So a coaching question today might be; if you could only keep half of whatever it is you describe as "too much" what would your life be like and how can you get one step closer to that life today?

make space for the little idea

2008-05-05T07:30:00.000-07:00

Coaching this morning I was reminded how often little ideas become buried in our thinking "stuff". We declutter our offices or the kitchen table and then remember how lovely the room looked before we piled it high with this and that. Even putting plates and cups into some sort of order releases space in our kitchen and we can enjoy that.

The same applies to thinking. We recognise that money worries must be addressed or that we need to give more time to those close to us but sometimes underneath all of that there's a little idea which could change the way we live.

Your little idea might be how much you miss a hobby you used to love or the memory that you always wanted to have a dog or to keep chickens or learn to drive a bus.

Just allowing one of these little ideas to see the light of day can help us to feel more connected to life, more energised even if that's all we do, just recognise the thought enjoy it and get on with the day.

What little idea is buried below all your "stuff" today ?

Get moving

2008-04-22T02:56:00.000-07:00

Once again in a coaching session this morning I've been reminded of the many benefits of moving .... in this case it was moving in the sense of walking fast enough to feel breathless for ten minutes. The person said that even after such a short time ideas she felt more creative and able to plan the next step of her personal journey.

In another coaching session recently I was asking about body language and how the person sat when feeling stuck and demoralised. It seemed that when he experimented with changing his position he began to feel less stuck and when he adopted what to him felt like riduculous positions he began to see a way back to some optimism. Movement helped when words didn't

Personally I find 45 minutes of aqua aerobics liberating; the movement in the water, the music and the childlike quality of splashing about and the deep breathing mean I leave the pool full of new ideas, even when I'm tired.

So from the coaching point of view if talking isn't opening up a way forward or bringing energy into your thinking; get moving

Is it work/life balance or life/work balance?

2008-04-20T07:07:00.000-07:00

I've been responding to several messages about courses and books and on line seminars and the like recently and notice that many have work/life balance as their theme.

Does that seem the right way round to you ? Are we being invited to balance our working lives first and then consider everything else as an after thought ? As many of these inviations are offered by employers seeking to enhance the productivity of their workforce I think that is how they see it. Put work first and everything else will fall into place.

Well no, my experience as a coach says no that's the wrong way around.

I think we need to have a very clear picture of our life and how we'd like it to be first. How do we want to spend our time, how do we plan to be healthy in mind, body and spirit ? Once we've got that picture clear we can begin to make sure our work contributes to that picture as much as possible.

I doubt that anyone has ways of earning their living which always, always contribute positively to their lives but the more we can aim for that, the better we'll feel about ourselves and the better we feel the more productive we'll be.

So I think we're all aiming for life/work balance myself.

Back from a coaching break

2008-04-15T07:29:00.000-07:00

Even coaches need to take a break now and then.

If you want to know more about the ways in which I coach, why not have a look at www.coachingatthenextlevel.biz ........................................... or even read the feature recently published in the Sunderland Echo a local paper here in the north east of England.

I was interested by the small number of people who saw the article and then stopped me in my local shop or swimming pool to say something like "So you're a therapist" ... which of course isn't true. Coaching and some forms of therapy do have many features in common but when I first coach someone I am interested in where you are today and where you want to get to sooner and later. Why you feel stuck is less interesting because unless there's a big unhealed hurt it doesn't matter how you got here what matters is moving forward. However if there is a big unhealed hurt its possible the person would be better served working with a therapist who is trained to enable them to heal that hurt.

And did I have a good break ? Yes thank you, I did traveling by bus and train across southern Spain was brilliant

make small but powerful changes

2008-03-02T09:52:00.000-08:00

That's the key to making big changes; start small. Make one small change and everything changes because the situation starts to look a little different. Make one small powerful change and everything really changes because you change your pattern, you make a fresh start.

This came to me this morning when I was thinking about someone who used to say "yes" to more or less anything requested of her at work. Many of these requests were interesting and she enjoyed the new challenges but gradually it seemed if there was extra work to be done, she was asked before anyone else and everyone assumed she would do it without a second thought.

She said "yes" over and over again. And she told her me as her coach that she was tired of doing that so tried saying "Yes but I may not be able to help to so I might have to decline, give me twenty four hours to think about it". A small change which did help because she did begin to go back and say "no" sometimes. However everyone still assumed she would say "yes" so she had to fight to change their minds if that wasn't what she wanted and that was no fun.

So with coaching support she decided to say "No, but let me think about it" And that was a small but very powerful change as she gave herself time to decide which tasks to accept and which to decline. She often did go back and agree later but people stopped asking her ALL the time and that felt better too.

Make a small change and see what happens !

When you have too many ideas life is tough

2008-02-26T00:34:00.000-08:00

Some of my clients come into coaching because they don't know what to do to improve their lives. I think they've had too few opportunities to consider what they want or they have the idea that thinking "I want ..." is somehow wrong. I think its great to say to oursleves "this is where I would like to head for, this is what I'm prepared to work for," taking into account our families and friends and where we are at the moment.

What can be even harder is coaching people who have too many good ideas. People who can see several exciting possible journeys ahead of them and can't decide which way to go. Life can be really tough for people in this situation because the more they struggle to choose the more they seek the perfect idea, the 100% best way forward.

For those people I suggest a return to a sense of personal values. What do you hope people say about you when you're not there to hear ? How would you like friends, colleagues and so on to describe you to a stranger ? Get back to a sense of who you are and who want to be and see if that makes some ideas closer to your heart than others.

its easier with a coach

2008-02-24T12:26:00.000-08:00

Well as promised I re-viewed my ideas about my ideal life in 2018 .... and as has happened before I noticed that on my own, when I'm doing this without talking to anyone about it .......... my ambitions shrink. My goals become rather ordinary and not very exciting or motivating.

With my coach its easier to be really ambitious because if I'm not ,she challenges me with questions like "And would that be enough?" or "Would that mean you'd say "Yes this is the best life for me ?" or is there anything else ?

And there usually is something else, often buried deep in my day dreams.

Day dreaming is great. Describing your ambitions is fantastic but creating the vision of the life you'd really like is easier with a coach.

Where to go next ?

2008-02-23T00:30:00.001-08:00

so assuming everyone has a way of saying"well done me" and awarding meaningful treats when we achieve a goal, where do these goals come from ?

Even the word goal puts some people off and they prefer an ambition or target or purpose or even the next step.

Here's a common coaching activity to try. Imagine your life in ten years time if everything goes well. What is your daily routine, who is around, what makes you happy and what makes you sad ? Try to see your life and to hear what you and others say about your life ? Do you feel differently at that imagined time ? Create the most vivid picture possible over an hour or two and then if you like what you have imagined ... there's your goal. For more on goals and goal setting see www.coachingatthenextlevel.biz

This is harder than it seems and I'm going to try it for myself again today and then post my reflections later.

talking about treats

2008-02-22T11:38:00.000-08:00

I've mentioned this to four people today and none had a clear idea of how they mark an achievement or give themselves a treat when they've sent a goal and reached it. None were coaching clients by the way as coaching encourages goal setting and the rewarding of effort.

Me ? treats include a short nap in the middle of the day, half an hour in a library just looking at books or even time spent writing this blog.

( and yes sometimes very dark, very bitter, fair trade chocolate cake does come to mind)

treats

2008-02-22T00:32:00.000-08:00

and while I'm here .... treats. Have you any idea how many people don't give themsleves treats when they worked had to achieve something ?

Too many is the answer.

I may declare myself the treats queen of the UK ans start a campaign to encourage people to think about ways of praising themselves for a job well done.

(Hint, it doesn't have to involve chocolate cake ..... it might be as simple as five minutes sitting in your car listening to a beautiful piece of music)

coaching again and again

2008-02-22T00:21:00.000-08:00

This morning I'm thinking about coaching people who want help with something again and again. You'd think perhaps that if coaching didn't work the first time it would be better to find some other kind of support but that isn't alwasy necessary.

Sometimes it takes a while to find goals which are big enough to feel excited about but small enough to feel possible or at elast to find a combination of big audacious goals and smaller stepping stones. So if someone comes back for more coaching on the same issue I know we need to look at different ways of deciding on goals.

For some people that means tiny goals and lots of treats for a while to build up some confidence for bigger challenges but for other people it might mean a new updated look at the big picture ... is it really what the person wants ?

So coaching may facititate one change or some change in one area of life and by so doing create space for new dreams to see the light of day.

Returning to coaching again and again is a positive step not an indication that anyone or anything hasn't worked !

coffee break coaching

2008-02-17T01:11:00.000-08:00

Just spent a happy hour reading coaching blogs. There are hundreds if not thousands so its hard to find those which might tell me more about my sort of coaching. I'm not a parent coach or an executive coach or even a football coach although I have coached parents, executives and people who play football (soccer that is I'm here in the North East of England)

So where to start; I decided to see what was available by telephone as I like coaching by phone. There's informaiton about coaching by email and by blog so I'll need to learn more about that, blog coaching is a new idea for me. And of course there's coaching when the coach comes to see you in your home or your office or you go to see them in their office. Face to face coaching seems to be most popular with business clients and telephone with people who want to be coached privately which I can understand although its expensive and time consuming and all my coaching is completley confidential.

So my next visit to planet blog will be to find out who is writing about telephone coaching. Why ? Because I've been pretty amazed by the power of life coaching or business coaching by telephone, whether its full forty five minute sessions or what I call coffee break coaching. This is when a client who has already agreed a big goal books two or three fifteen minutes coaching sessions a week to check in with me for extra support as they work towards some sort of stepping stone goal. For people who know what they want to achieve its a time effective way of using coaching. and for me as their personal coach its great as I get to cheer them one one step at a time.

I wonder if anyone else out there uses coffee break coaching by telephone ? and if so how does it work for you ?

A big question about coaching

2008-02-16T05:33:00.000-08:00

The big question I've been asked twice this week is "Why should I spend my time and money on life or business coaching?" and any question asked twice in one week needs an answer.

So one answer is .... Well perhaps you don't. If your life is satisfying, you enjoy your work, have good relationships, plenty of money and generally feel everything is absolutely fine, then you probably don't need to find a coach or spend any money on coaching.

On the other hand if you don't really enjoy your work or you don't have a very satsfying social network, money's a worry or you just feel you're living the wrong life then coaching might be the springboard into something better.

And as a Restart Coach (www.coachingatthenextlevel.biz) I know coaching helped me find new ways to earn my living and have a lot more fun and I know there are lots of other people who have had the same sort of positive experience as well as people who haven't yet tried coaching.

I'm planning to blog around the questions which come up when I'm coaching to help spread some positive thinking and help anyone who hasn't tried coaching to find out more.

Dr Felicity